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Deviousness `anmari has been spreading her infectious positivity throughout our community for over 6 years. Throughout this time Ana has been at the core of all things devious, passionately developing an eclectic gallery, helping organise devmeets, participating in chat events and also recently completed dedicating her time as a Community Volunteer. We are absolutely delighted to bestow the Deviousness Award for May 2013 to `anmari, congratulations! Read More
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Sta.sh
Some minor grammar issues and stuff, but it's not too bad. The story was interesting and I was wondering what was happening. The only thign that really bugged me was that too much was introdused at the same time. All the races and Gods confused me. But with some effort I'll be fine. I hope you finish the book!
I also wanted to thank you for being a good friend of me on DA. You're one of the few people who comment on my work. Would you like to be a character in my story? If you want to be in the story please send my your name (or the name you want to appear in the story)
Many places your English isn't exactly wrong, but it could be more fluid and you could try to describe things more, some examples:
"Everyone was running everywhere" - The sentence sounds rather odd. Try something like "The people outside the temple ran around in panic". (Not saying that this is the best way, it's up to you to improve it
The second section "I knew this was going to happen...."
You could try to change it to something like "It was foretold that this was going to happen. But I did not think it would happen so soon.." Again, this is probably not the best way to write it, I'm just giving examples
"I don't believe our beloved..." Try to change the king's words to something more "royal", like "I do not think that our beloved world..."
Some typos:
"I have no idea for how long I've flown" Change to "Long I flew"
I can't seem to find the other typos that I found last time I was reading. Sorry.
And no problem dude! A lot of your work is interesting, and this book in particular! I hope you finish this one
It might not be so good as I don't know what kind of world the story is in and stuff, but if you create a character with me in mind, be sure to tell me which one!