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March 25, 2012
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Sphaera by Energizzze Sphaera by Energizzze
The book cover of Sphaera. A story I'm writing :)
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:icononclipevent:
onClipEvent Featured By Owner Mar 26, 2012
Will this book be in English, and will it be published for free on the internet? Because I'd love to read it!
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:iconenergizzze:
Energizzze Featured By Owner Mar 27, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
It will be in English :). If you give me your e-mail I could send a chapter everytime I finish one. Right now I have 3 chapters and doing the 4th one. When I'm done I'll publish it somewhere on the internet and I'll post the link :)
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:icononclipevent:
onClipEvent Featured By Owner Mar 27, 2012
Oh, awesome! Even though it's tempting to read the chapters now, I'd rather read the whole book when it's finished. It sucks so badly to read something really good and then it ends :P
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:iconenergizzze:
Energizzze Featured By Owner Mar 27, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
lol :D. If you change your mind you can always visit my Wattpad ([link]) and read the story there :)
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:icononclipevent:
onClipEvent Featured By Owner Mar 27, 2012
I read the start of it (I don't want to read too much, as it will ruin it when the book is finished and when I read it then).

Some minor grammar issues and stuff, but it's not too bad. The story was interesting and I was wondering what was happening. The only thign that really bugged me was that too much was introdused at the same time. All the races and Gods confused me. But with some effort I'll be fine. I hope you finish the book!
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:iconenergizzze:
Energizzze Featured By Owner Mar 27, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Thank you! And you're right about the introduction. This is actually the first story I'm writing with more than one page, so I don't really know how to introduce a whole new planet with tons of races :), but it only has on god, so I don't know about the gods confusing me part hehe. And could you point out some of the grammar issues so I can correct them?

I also wanted to thank you for being a good friend of me on DA. You're one of the few people who comment on my work. Would you like to be a character in my story? If you want to be in the story please send my your name (or the name you want to appear in the story)
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:icononclipevent:
onClipEvent Featured By Owner Mar 27, 2012
Okay here goes:

Many places your English isn't exactly wrong, but it could be more fluid and you could try to describe things more, some examples:

"Everyone was running everywhere" - The sentence sounds rather odd. Try something like "The people outside the temple ran around in panic". (Not saying that this is the best way, it's up to you to improve it :P)

The second section "I knew this was going to happen...."
You could try to change it to something like "It was foretold that this was going to happen. But I did not think it would happen so soon.." Again, this is probably not the best way to write it, I'm just giving examples

"I don't believe our beloved..." Try to change the king's words to something more "royal", like "I do not think that our beloved world..."

Some typos:

"I have no idea for how long I've flown" Change to "Long I flew"

I can't seem to find the other typos that I found last time I was reading. Sorry.

And no problem dude! A lot of your work is interesting, and this book in particular! I hope you finish this one :)
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:iconenergizzze:
Energizzze Featured By Owner Mar 27, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
thank you very much! I'll change the things right away :D. But "I have no idea for how long I've flown", is right. Tiranda (the one riding the dragon at the moment) is saying that while flying. She's talking about a time that started in the past and has continued up until now. I used the present perfect there :) (source: [link] USE 2 Duration From the Past Until Now (Non-Continuous Verbs))
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:icononclipevent:
onClipEvent Featured By Owner Mar 27, 2012
Oh, btw my name is Peter. The name doesn't sound too epic though, so I don't think it would fit in your book. I've always liked great heroes like Alexander the great, so if I could be an old legendary hero, that would be awesome! (The great *Insert name* was a great warrior of U'anri / protector of a crystal)

It might not be so good as I don't know what kind of world the story is in and stuff, but if you create a character with me in mind, be sure to tell me which one!
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